Instructions
Forget your Jimmy Choo’s, it’s damned hard to look sexy dressed in a plastic bib.
So why on earth would anyone take a beautiful girl on a first date to a ribs restaurant? I mean, seriously.
I recently had the opportunity to consider this paradox as some friends and I sat rather inelegantly in our sauce-repelling ponchos in one of Sydney’s finest rib joints. It was alright for us, five blokes sharing a couple of lagers and a ceiling-high stack of dead pig, but for the young couple opposite the situation was more dire.
Not only was ‘pretty-young-thing’ clearly disgruntled by the way her plastic apron interfered with the sashay of her silk, but she seemed equally perplexed as to how one might actually consume the ribs, without swapping her lovingly-applied make-up for a slathering smear of spicy sauce. You get red lips with both coverings, yet the porcine version does lack a little finesse.
In the end she gave up, and opted instead for an oversized mojito and some complimentary bread. The night was either going from bad to worse, or perhaps it was the start of something. We could but imagine, and wish her the best.
So what is it about ribs that captures the imagination of every red-blooded man? In part it is the essentially carnivorous nature of the task. With bones sticking out in every possible direction, there’s no disguising the deceased nature of the meal. In unspoken ways, ribs feed the hunter myth to which all men subscribe.
And then there’s the simplicity of the meal. Forget Masterchef and its amalgam of garnishes – this is meat, pure and simple. If you want garnish, take a look at the sauce jug!
But most importantly, ribs are delicious. Unctuously sticky, and luscious meaty, it would seem impolite not to cover one’s face with sauce. Like painted whores of the barbecue we gorged and nattered.
The real trick to a great plate for ribs is taking it slowly. Always marinate the meat for at least a day, and then use the gentlest of cooking techniques. Keep the sauce on a spicier side – it brings out the mellow pork flavours – and make sure you baste the ribs regularly.
So boys, make a note – rib restaurants are not for first dates. Although, that said, if you give it a try and she’ll have you back for a second outing, then she’s a keeper!
Barbecued pork ribs with spicy sauce